Madame Mina's Master Class
by Katherine NotGreat
Summary: Time: Infinity. Place: London, Hyde Park. Speaker: Mrs.Wilhelmina Murray Harker Stayne. Subject: How To Tame A Villain: Instructions for True Heroines. Company piece to "The Maddest Teaparty"/"Not by Bread Alone". Come to the Light side, we have TARTS!


Madame Mina's Master Class for Heroines Or Necessary Rules for Taming A Villain

Rule Zero: _**We are warriors of the Light**_. Those who find darkness alluring should quit the class at once and go reread Mr. Wilde's "Picture of Dorian Gray"

Rule One – and most important – _**A Villain is a Human Being. **_

No man (or woman) is 100% evil. The same goes for being good. According to the Fathers, only satan is absolutely evil. And we, I hope, don't have anything to do with the latter. As for human beings, however, we may do a great deal with them.

While being obsessed with the idea of conquering the world, a villain tends to forget that he is human. Our task is to remind him about it. Living reminders – that's who we are!

Every human is an image of God. Even the worst individual has this image buried down under many layers of filth. Sometimes VERY deep down. Don't be afraid of dirt – in our work it is a unpardonable weakness, indeed!

Finally, as a villain is a human being (see the headline), he must be fed if hungry (NB! A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!) . And most often more than just once. The rumors that the dark side is handing around cookies have been proved a mediocre advertisement trick. Free cheese can only be found in a mousetrap.

4a First food, then character development/reformation process. Not vice versa. Proved by personal experience and that of Mrs. Wendy Stuart.

Rule Two: _**You are doing your work for free. **_

Thus, don't ever wait for gratitude. Most likely, you'll never get any. Not during your lifetime, at least. A vain woman can hardly be called a heroine.

In for a penny, in for a pound © If you are not a strong person, this job is most likely not for you. Whining about wasted years is pathetic. Leave before it's too late and go find some nice fellow to marry (as notorious Mlle Daae did)

Don't be impatient. One cannot be reformed overnight. You have to cultivate patience if willing to get the crop.

Rule Three: _Don't be afraid! _You are the heroine, not some damsel in distress! If you are inexperienced and do feel scared, at least try your best not to show it. If God is with us, who dares to stand against us? We are the Champions! (a bow to Mrs. Oroku April ,nee O'Neil) . Do consult her, if you can afford a time machine and get 50 years forward in the future)

Rule Four: _**No lies!**_

Be honest, both with the villain and with yourself.__Villains are mostly not used to the truth, so honesty _is_ best policy©. You will sound original, and that's what we need in order to catch a villain unawares. Sometimes to say an outspoken truth (with an innocent smile on) is just the thing. But of course some cases may be more complicated. So – once again – no telling lies! And don't be afraid to look/sound completely bonkers – that's one of our most effective methods.

Your feelings towards the man MUST be genuine. Nothing is worse in our work than fake empathy/compassion. It ruins everything. (NB! Trying to imitate love is even more disgusting ).Villains are no fools (as usual), and they sense fake at once.

3. (a tip from Mrs. Alice Hightopp) Think what you say and say what you think ©

Rule Five: (coming from the previous rule) _**You must be more intelligent than he!**_

't ever forget the Apostle's words about snakes and doves. That' s what a true heroine should be.

Make efforts to be creative. You must never cease to surprise him. You cannot afford to relax and become commonplace. There must be always a sort of mystery around you.

3. Never act like a simpering, giggly schoolgirl around the villain. Nothing  
annoys them more than a woman without a personality. They want someone who is their intellectual equal.  
P.S. While being strong-minded, try not to show this quality off too much. Most villains are NOT that tolerant.

Rule Six: _**Don't make an idol out of your villain**_**. **Remember the 2nd commandment. villains are used to be looked at either as gods, or as demons of the pit. Well, in fact they are neither (see Rule One). So treat the villain as you treat an ordinary man (okay, not very ordinary, but still a man!).

No Stockholm syndrome, for goodness' sake! You are a heroine, not some helpless victim of his. But at the same time, you are not the judge. You are, above all, a FRIEND. Remind him (in a polite way, of course), that you should communicate on equal terms. To lose one's dignity is bad form, indeed!

You should be gentle but firm. No pre-marital sex, girls! That's definitely NOT the way to save anyone! If souls could be saved via that means, the mankind would have been all redeemed so far.

**And last, but not the least…..**

Rule Seven:_** Don't mistake yourself for a goddess!**_

_**1) **_That's it, don't ever try to play the role of God. You are- thank God! – only His tool, and you'd better keep it constantly in your busy mind. If you have some delusions about this point, you'd better visit the late Dr. Seward's sanatorium.

2) God loves this man much more than you do – believe me! – and that's exactly why He made your paths cross.

Thank you, ladies, that's about all! Oh, and Miss Pevensie, next time before attending our class, do bring a note from your parents about their not objecting to your being here! AU REVOIR!


End file.
